


Life in Pieces

by osaycanyousolo



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-12
Updated: 2018-02-19
Packaged: 2018-09-23 17:28:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9668609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/osaycanyousolo/pseuds/osaycanyousolo
Summary: Kelley finds herself in camp without Hope. Everything has changed in Kelley's life and she has to find a way to come to grips with her new normal.





	1. Rainy Days

             Through the comfort of her hotel room, Kelley watched the rain turn the streetlights into twinkling stars. The drops beat lightly on the window and Kelley followed their trail all the way to the windowsill. She couldn’t shake the feeling of melancholy that had permeated her time so far at camp. From the moment she’d donned her red warmups, the crest had felt heavy on her chest. She’d pushed her thoughts out of her mind and come away with the best beep test score at camp. She’d smiled through the congratulations, but looked forward to pushing her body as far as she could, in hopes of lessening the hole in her heart, the constant ache of loss.

            The last year had not been kind to her personal or professional life. Winning a starting spot, but losing in the quarterfinals of the Olympics. Working through injury and a disappointing club season. Ending her longtime relationship and losing many of her friends in the process. And losing her mentor suddenly, with no contact for months.

            Kelley’s thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a keycard in the door. Kelley quickly wiped at the moisture that had pooled in her eyes as the door opened behind her. She swallowed thickly, pushing away the emotion as she had so many times over the last few days.

            “Hey,” Ali greeted Kelley’s back as she shut the door behind her.

            “Hey,” Kelley greeted brightly, hating the way her voice had wavered. She continued to face the window, but watched Ali in the reflection.

            From behind her, Ali paused at the emotion in Kelley’s voice. She set her stuff down on her bed and then sat down next to it. “Kell are you ok?”

            Kelley cleared her throat and half turned, “Yeah, fine. I was just about to go down to dinner.”

            “Mh, ok,” Ali replied. Kelley turned back to the window and watched as Ali nodded and then stood. Kelley looked down at her feet as Ali came to stand next to her, hands in her pockets.

            Kelley sighed and shook her head, “Really Ali, I’m fine.”

            “You’re not and that’s ok. Look, I know we’ve been competing for the same spot for a really long time, but I’ve always considered you a friend. I know when you’re hurting. Other people may not know, but those of us who have known you the longest know. And it’s not just me who is worried. You put on a good show, but something is different. And it’s ok if you don’t want to talk to me or to anyone, but just know that there’s a lot of people who care for you and are here for you,” Ali told her, turning to face Kelley.

            Kelley nodded slowly and stole another look at Ali. Tears welled in her eyes as she noted the look of concern on Ali’s face. She wiped them away quickly and muttered, “It’s just been a tough year, you know?”

            “Yeah, I know,” Ali said softly. “But for what it’s worth, I know she isn’t the only thing you are upset about, but I miss her too.”

            Kelley nodded and slowly sighed. “It just doesn’t feel like camp without her I guess. I’ve never been to a camp where she wasn’t there. I mean I knew someday it would happen, but not like this,” Kelley explained.

            “I know. Me too. As bossy as she was, she was our rock. I know I wasn’t as close to her as you were, but I really do miss her,” Ali confided and then after a beat asked, “Have you heard from her?”

            “No,” Kelley replied, her voice almost a whisper. “Not since the day she was suspended.”

            “Mh,” Ali replied, momentarily lost in thought. Finally, she asked, “Have you tried texting her?”

            “No,” Kelley said quickly. “No, I don’t want to bother her. She’s recovering from surgery and moving and fighting the patriarchy and all that. She doesn’t want to hear from me.”

            “Kelley, she’s at the Women’s March for Christ’s sake. She’s available,” Ali shot back. She took a deep breath and then asked, “Are you worried she doesn’t want to hear from you? Or that she won’t text back?”

            “I don’t know,” Kelley said quickly with a shrug. “She’s Hope, you know? I never could predict what she’d do. If she wanted to talk to me she’d reach out, I guess. But she’s Hope so she’s probably moved on from us. She’s probably already thinking about her next move.”

            “Mh,” Ali agreed with a nod. “Hope is Hope, but you guys were close. I’m pretty sure she’d be happy to hear from you.”

            “Yeah, I thought we were. I don’t know anymore. But maybe,” Kelley said, turning away from the window and plopping down on her bed. She looked up at the ceiling, hopefully signaling to Ali that this conversation was over. “Maybe I’ll try.”

            “Ok,” Ali nodded, walking away from the window. She grabbed her phone and her hotel key card. “I’ll see you at dinner.”

            “I’ll be down in a minute,” Kelley said, sitting up. Ali nodded and walked to the door. “Hey Ali?” Kelley asked quietly.

            Ali paused at the door and turned back to Kelley, her eyebrows raised. “Yeah?”

            “Thanks,” Kelley replied quietly. “Thanks for asking.”

            Ali smiled softly and said, “Anytime. I’ll see you at dinner.” Kelley returned her smile with a small one of her own and watched as Ali closed the door behind her.

            Kelley plopped back down on the bed and pulled her phone out of her pocket. She opened up the Instagram app on her phone and searched for Hope’s name. She opened up the most recent picture, one of a smiling Hope at the Women’s March, proudly displaying her “The Future is Equal” t-shirt. Kelley smiled in spite of herself and opened up her Twitter app. She typed, “I’m particularly fond of being female every day, but today it feels extra awesome.” She added an emoji and hashtagged the Women’s March. Part of her hoped that Hope would see it and know she supported her. And maybe that she missed her.

***

            After a long day of marching and yelling and meeting amazing people, Hope grabbed her phone to plug it in. The text message she’d received while she was in the shower gave her pause. She opened it up and stared at it for a moment, emotion welling up from seemingly out of nowhere.

            “What is it?” her husband asked.

            Hope shook her head quickly and plugged in her phone. She looked at the text message again, her thumbs hovering over the keypad. Finally, she text back, “I miss you too.”


	2. Beer and Chocolate Milk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hope chats with Carli while she's at camp, but the conversation quickly turns to Kelley.

            “Hey Car,” Hope smiled as she answered her cellphone. She walked out of the RV into the Carolina winter air and plopped herself down in her favorite lawn chair. “I was just thinking about you!”

            “That’s creepy by the way,” Carli replied with a laugh. Hope smiled and shook her head at her best friend.

            “It’s not creepy. You’re at camp and I just wondered how it was going,” Hope responded, with an audible eye roll.

            “It’s weird without you honestly,” Carli answered, her voice growing quiet. “But on the bright side, there’s a lot of promising newbies. Lots of talent this year.”

            “Mm, that’s good. I’m glad to hear it. So what’s up?” Hope redirected, clearly steering the conversation away from camp. She’d been thinking a lot about her team lately, mourning the probable end of her national team career. The sting hadn’t lessened in the months that had passed and she found herself thinking of them often. Of course, the Instagram pictures and tweets didn’t help, but she found herself missing many of her teammates. One in particular.

            “I have big news, and no, I’m not pregnant, so just get that the hell out of your mind right now,” Carli told her.

            “Alright spill,” Hope said, sitting up a little straighter in her chair.

            “I’m signing with Man City,” Carli replied simply.

            “Oh my god!” Hope squealed. “That’s amazing Carli! I’m so happy for you! You’re going to love it!”

            “Thank you! It’s not going to be announced for a while and I’ve only told a few people, but I wanted to tell you before you left for Italy,” Carli told her, her tone betraying her smile.

            Hope smiled in response and said, “This is going to be so great for you! Man City, wow. That’s great. You’ll be amazing.”

            “Thanks Hope. I’m really excited. I’m ready for a change,” Carli confided.

            “And you deserve one. So how many people are jumping ship?” Hope asked, curious about the climate of the team.

            “Three of us so far, but there’s sure to be more. It’s good timing and it sends a message,” Carli replied.

            “Indeed it does. Encourage them Carli. Not only will it raise their game, but it will make the league rethink their protocol,” Hope counseled carefully. She didn’t want to upset Carli, but she couldn’t help getting involved.

            “Yeah, we’ve been having conversations. I’m trying to get Kell and Becky to jump ship, but it hasn’t happened yet,” Carli said nonchalantly.

            “Mm,” Hope replied, her mind already wandering to her former teammate. Thoughts of the team always led to thoughts of Kelley. They’d spoken briefly a week ago, when Kelley had text her. Hope had been surprised and happy to hear from her. She hadn’t realized how much she’d missed the younger woman. “It’d be good for them.”

            “Yeah, it would. So you heard from her?” Carli asked pointedly.

            “Um, what?” Hope replied, shaking herself out of her thoughts. “Uh, no. Not really. I mean, she text me last week, but yeah that was it.”

            “Mh,” Carli muttered, her tone judgmental.

            “What?” Hope responded defensively.

            “She misses you. Kriegs says she mopes around their room. Can you imagine Kelley moping around? Why haven’t you talked to her?” Carli asked.

            Hope took a deep breath and looked out over the water that served as her back yard. Finally, she replied, “She’s had a tough year. Give the kid a break. She broke up with her girlfriend and she’s got all that other stuff going on. Give her some coffee and she’ll be fine.”

            “Her missing you is the other stuff Hope. You guys were close. She’s never been to camp without you. She fucking misses you. Why can’t you just call her?” Carli lectured.

            “Oh, so her missing me is affecting you somehow?” Hope shot back.

            “Yes! This is what I’m trying to tell you. But seriously, she won the beep test, but only because she ran herself ragged. She came back to camp with like zero percent body fat. She looks like she runs a marathon every weekend. It’s not healthy. She’s pushing herself to hard. And she won’t talk about you. To me or Becky or anyone. Please reach out to her,” Carli told her, her voice growing more pleading.

            “Ok,” Hope agreed quietly, nodding her head to herself. “Ok, I hear you.”

            “You better hear me and do something about this,” Carli replied.

            “Yeah, ok. Hey do you have her new address?” Hope asked, her thoughts swirling.

            “You know I don’t, but you also know I can get it. You want me to send it to you?” Carli asked with a soft laugh.

            “Yes please,” Hope replied with a smile, knowing Carli would come through in the clutch.

            “Fine. Anything for you,” Carli said sarcastically.

            “Anything for you to stave off the drama,” Hope teased, a smile spreading across her face. “Speaking of drama, you might as well start the bitching. I’m ready.”

            Carli laughed and launched into a tirade about the happenings at camp. Hope smiled to herself and zipped up her jacket against the early evening breeze. Her mind wandered toward a few possibilities as she listened to Carli’s tales from camp.

***

            Kelley rubbed her eyes and looked at the clock as the buzzing began again. She threw the covers off and sleepily padded toward the door. She pushed the intercom button and groggily asked, “Yeah?”

            “Delivery for Kelley O’Hara,” a voice replied out of the speaker.

            “Uh, I’m not expecting any deliveries,” Kelley responded, confusion and exhaustion clouding her mind. “What is it?”

            “Groceries,” the voice replied.

            Kelley snorted, thinking of her very bare refrigerator, “Ok, yeah. Come on up.”

            A few minutes later, Kelley answered the door to a delivery guy with three large boxes. “Woah,” she exclaimed as she opened the door wider. “Come in. Can you drop them in the kitchen?”

            “No problem,” he replied, pushing the hand truck through the threshold. After unloading the boxes, he produced a tablet and handed it to her to sign.

            “Hey so, who sent these? I didn’t order them,” she asked curiously, sure that it had been her mother, who was always fretting over the state of her pantry.

            “Um,” the delivery guy scrolled back through the tablet until he found the receipt. “Someone named Hope Stevens.”

            “Oh,” Kelley said, clearly surprised. “Uh, thanks.”

            “Mhm,” he replied. “Have a nice day miss.”

            “You too,” Kelley replied automatically as she showed him out. She paused as she closed the door behind him. Hope had sent her groceries. She hadn’t really talked to Hope in months, but she’d sent groceries.

            Kelley returned to the kitchen and smiled as she rummaged through the boxes. It was a mix of organic produce and some of Kelley’s favorite things. After putting all of the food away, she pulled out her phone and text, “How did you know my fridge was bare?”

            Her phone chimed a few minutes later with a reply, “It must have been that picture of Bud Light and chocolate milk from your Instagram story.”

            “Fair enough. Thank you Hope. You didn’t have to do that, even though my fridge was just as sad as before camp,” Kelley text back, a slow smile spreading across her face.

            “You’re very welcome. I can’t have my favorite back starve to death just because she finally decided to become a home owner,” Hope responded, complete with a crying laughing emoji. A few seconds later she added, “Congrats on the new place. Consider this your house warming present.”

            Kelley stood in her room staring at the text, oddly touched by Hope’s concern and thoughtfulness. She took a deep breath and text, “Thank you Hope. You’re so thoughtful. So, I’m your favorite back huh?”

            Kelley plopped back down on her bed and closed her eyes, hoping for just a few more minutes of sleep. She smiled in spite of herself as her phone chimed again. She grabbed it off of the bedside table and opened the text from hope. She snorted a laugh and smiled as she read it. “If I said ‘always’ would that be too corny?”


	3. Don't Say It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The US loses to France in the final game of the SheBelieves Cup. Hope's phone blows up with messages. Including one from Kelley.

            Hope knew the second the team had arrived back at their hotel after the disaster of a game against France. She herself could only stand to watch the slaughter for so long before storming out of the trailer, yelling to Jerramy that she was going for a walk. She had just returned home, still simmering, albeit at a lower temperature when her phone started receiving text messages with such ferocity that it gave up trying to vibrate entirely. She watched them light up the screen for a moment before sighing and picking up the overworked device.

            The majority of the text messages were from Carli. The first of many was a warning that Carli did not wish to hear Hope’s inevitable “I told you so’s.” Hope snorted a laugh before replying with that exact phrase. She scrolled through her other messages. Not surprisingly, there were few actual people texting her, but what she lacked in quantity was made up by quality. She had already text back Harvey and Pearcie while on her walk. She was surprised to find a message from Cheney, the former teammate had been laying low after her surgery, but Hope was happy to hear from her. Equally surprising were texts from both Ashlyn and Alyssa. They had been radio silent since Hope’s unceremonious departure, although Hope knew they had little choice in the matter.

            Carli and Becky had both text almost immediately. Becky’s was simple, but Carli had let it all out in nine separate messages. Ali’s was next to come in and followed the same vein as Becky’s, asking for advice on how to handle their current predicament. Hope assumed they were texting Pearcie as well. She just hoped they didn’t text Abby. She wasn’t convinced any good could come from that.

            Hope was about to text Carli back when another text notification popped up on her screen. This time it was from Kelley and simply read _Will this get any better?_

            Hope frowned and text back, _Want to talk about it?_

            The reply was quick. _No._ Followed by, _Yes._

            Hope nodded to herself, a small grin twitching at the corners of her mouth. Kelley was about as good at losing as she was. _Call me whenever,_ she replied.

            As Hope waited for to see if Kelley would actually call, she text Carli back, mostly with variations of “I told you so.” Soon the conversation turned toward how everyone was taking the embarrassing performance in the team’s own tournament. Hope hesitantly asked Carli how Kelley was doing, explaining that she was hoping that she’d call.

            Carli’s answer nagged at Hope’s worries about the younger player. _Not great. She and Becky have been putting a lot of pressure on themselves where the backline is concerned. She’s pushing herself too hard. Always trying to be first. Jill is loving it but she’s running herself into the ground. I’m all for pushing yourself, but this seems like something more._

            _That’s what I was afraid of. Keep an eye on her for me k?_ Hope replied. Before Carli could respond, Kelley’s face lit up the screen and Hope’s phone buzzed in her hand.

            “Hey Kell,” Hope answered softly.

            “Hey,” Kelley replied, her voice low and defeated. She exhaled a long breath and said, “That sucked.”

            “Yeah. I’m sorry Kell,” Hope comforted the younger player. There was no use in sugar coating it. The writing on the wall was clear. After Hope’s departure, the tide had changed. Hope had already dealt with the reality that she would most likely never don the national team uniform again, but as least she was outside of the tsunami of changes the rest of the team was going through.

            “Yeah, me too,” Kelley admitted with a sigh. “I just didn’t think it would be this bad.”

            Hope huffed a laugh, “Come on Kell, you knew it would. We all saw the writing on the wall this summer. You can only rely on intimidation and luck for so long. There’s no way this team was going anywhere with those tactics. I told-“

            “Don’t say it,” Kelley warned, her vaguely threatening.

            “But I’m going to say it because I did say so. I told you all this would happen. And the kicker is that you agreed with me! But you guys drank her Kool-Aid and this is what happens,” Hope argued, her words coming out quickly with an old frustration she could quite shake.

            “But what was I supposed to do Hope? What were any of us supposed to do? You and Abby and Pearcie and all of the other veterans held us together. And now you’re all gone. Carli is Carli and Becky can’t do this alone,” Kelley shot back in frustration.

            “Then do something about it,” Hope replied simply.

            “What the fuck am I supposed to do? That’s my point. I’m not a leader so I can’t start something. No one will follow me. If I say something to the coaches, I risk losing my job. There’s already talk of not inviting veterans back in order to make room for all these college kids. What am I supposed to do?” Kelly responded, her voice cracking at the end.

            “I don’t know. I never did it right. I mean look where I ended up. Look at all the stuff that happened in my career. You should be asking Christie these questions, not me,” Hope pointed out, her voice growing quiet.

            “But-,” Kelley started, but quickly stopped herself.

            “But what?” Hope asked simply.

            “But you’re the person I’ve always gone to for advice. You’ve always been there. You always have the answer,” Kelley replied. “God I’m so whiny, I’m sorry. It’s just that I wasn’t ready for this.”

            “Ready for what Kell?” Hope responded.

            “This team,” Kelley said and then paused. “I guess I wasn’t ready for this team yet. I knew someday I would end up as a veteran, but I didn’t think it would be two years after we won a world cup. I thought it would be natural, that I would grow into this position. But it feels rushed. It feels forced. It feels like I don’t belong here. I have no idea what my place is. This feels wrong.”

            “Of course it does. Every time we grow it’s an uncomfortable process. You have to know that Carli and Becky and Ali and Ash and everyone else is uncomfortable too. If you don’t believe me, you should see and their messages on my phone. I will tell you what Abby once told me in a random moment of support. She said that nothing worth fighting for comes easy and you never quite know what you’re doing until it’s done. It’s always a struggle. It’s always going to be a struggle. And then when it’s not a struggle, you need to make a change. That’s life. It sucks. It’s hard. But that’s life,” Hope told her. She didn’t feel like it was the most supportive thing she could have said, but it was certainly the most honest. Kelley deserved that much.

            “Yeah,” Kelley said absently. Hope smiled and shook her head. She recognized that tone. It was the one Kelley got when she was thinking. She could picture her face, frozen in thought, her eyes searching the horizon as her mind tumbled over her thoughts.

            “Yeah,” Hope said finally, when the silence had gone on longer than was comfortable. “Look, I’m going to be straight with you Kell. You need to find your place. You need to find it on this new team and in this new organization. No one can decide what that is but you. I will be here if you need to talk, but Becky and Carli are who you should be talking to. And Christie because she gives so much better advice than me.”

            Kelley snorted, “Yeah she does give better advice than you.”

            “Hey you called me!” Hope retorted with a laugh.

            “I did. Thank you for listening,” Kelley replied, a smile evident in her voice. “Seriously. I mean it. Thanks for being there.”

            “You’re welcome. I’m happy to do it. I’ll always be here, even when you don’t need me anymore,” Hope replied, holding in a small sigh. She missed her team. She missed being part of a team. She knew that it was only a matter of time before she was able to get back on the field, but she desperately missed it. And her teammates, including the one on the other end of the phone. It struck her again that chances were very good that she would never play with Kelly again. Never again yell at her to watch an opposing player. Never again get a celebratory fist bump. Never again have someone who wanted to learn to desperately from her.

            “Look Solo, I’m going to hold you to it ok?” Kelley responded, her voice much more hopeful than it had been in a while.

            “Ok,” Hope said simply, her heart heavy once again.


	4. Do You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kelley has been feeling frustrated ever since January camp. One night she gets a little advice from an unlikely source.

            “Hey has anyone seen Kev?” Sam asked, looking around Christie’s kitchen.

            Several players looked around and shrugged, giving the question very little thought as they continued celebrating their third win of the season. The team was in high spirits after taking out the Dash twice in a week.

            “Sam,” Christie called out. “She’s in the backyard.” Sam looked at her quizzically, but Christie silently shook her head and sighed. Sam picked up her beer and headed toward the backdoor of Christie’s house. Since she’d returned to New Jersey, she’d noticed quite a few changes. Aside from the new coaching staff and some new players, Christie Rampone was now going by Christie Pearce and Kelley had lost that spark that seemed to be her signature feature. The offseason had been tough on some of her teammates. She hadn’t exactly kept up with the various dramatic happenings that the Americans had endured since the Olympics, but she recognized a tailspin when she saw one.

            She found Kelley outside, sitting alone in the soft glow of the back-porch light. She didn’t acknowledge Sam when she slid the slider closed behind her or when she pulled over a deck chair or even when she punched her in the shoulder. It was until Sam asked, “Do you want to talk about it?” that Kelley finally turned her way.

            “No,” she said simply, tilting her head toward the sky and letting loose a slow, pent up breath. Sam’s eyebrow’s knit in concern as she looked at Kelley. She was thinner and looked weary, much different from the last time she’d seen her in the fall.

            “What’s going on with you? You never miss a party. And you never brood. Why are you brooding Kev? Why?” Sam pestered her.

            Kelley snorted into her beer as she took a sip. “Who’s brooding? You’re brooding. I just needed some fresh air.”

            “Bullshit. You might as well just tell me. You know how tenacious I can be. I’m Australian after all. Our motto is ‘Never give up,’” Sam pushed.

            “Psh, that’s a load of shit. Y’all need to stop with the making up of mottos to suit your narrative,” Kelley shot back, a smirk pulling at her lips.

            Sam laughed and clanked her beer bottle against Kelley’s nearly empty one. “Touché, Kev. But really, what are you out here for? Christie’s worried.”

            “Christie’s always worried. She’s a mom, that’s what she does. I’m fine. I just needed to clear my head for a second,” Kelley replied, glancing back into the house at her celebrating teammates.

            “Is this about you playing like shit or is this about some personal thing because I can help with either,” Sam prompted.

            “Fucking rude Samantha Kerr!” Kelley exclaimed, a look of mock offense on her face. “Of course it’s about me playing like shit. How dare you!”

            “How dare I? How dare you play like shit! It’s an affront to my sensibilities!” Sam shot back. “I can’t do everything around here, you know.”

            “Oh the hat trick queen can’t do it all huh? Doubtful,” Kelley retorted. Sam smirked cockily and Kelley shook her head. She downed the last of her beer and sighed through her nose. “Why am I playing forward Sam? I’m not doing anything worthwhile up there.”

            “You’re playing forward because the coaches told you to. Didn’t you win that stupid award that only you Americans care about when you were a forward?” Sam asked, raising her eyebrows mockingly.

            “Yes! But that was like a decade ago. I’m not that player anymore,” Kelley said, not meeting Sam’s eyes. She picked at the label on beer bottle in frustration.

            “You’re right. You’re better,” Sam pointed out simply.

            “Was that a compliment… and a dig?” Kelley asked, finally turning to face Sam.

            “Absolutely,” Sam replied, smiling devilishly.

            “God you’re annoying,” Kelley snorted. Sam just nodded and sipped her beer. Kelley shook her head and looked out at the night sky. Finally she said, “I just don’t feel comfortable. I haven’t felt comfortable for a long time. All I do is move around. No matter what I do, I can’t get my head in the game.”

            “I get it,” Sam said seriously. “I’m not going to pretend to know what you’ve gone through or what you are going through, but whatever it is, it’s affecting your game. In the end, you have play your game. If you want to play another position talk to the coaches. If you want to try being a forward again, put everything into it. If you want to move to Australia, the greatest land on Earth, by all means come play with us. But whatever you do, do it all the way. What is that stupid thing you always say? ‘You do you.’ So do that. Do you.”

            “Fuck,” Kelley muttered. “Do you have any idea how much I hate it when you’re right? It legitimately pains me.”

            “I know this. I try to be as right as possible, just so I can tell you how right I am,” Sam shot back, sensing the change in Kelley’s mood. She stood up from her chair and asked, “Hey I’m going to get another beer. You want me to bring you one?”

            “Nah,” Kelley said. “I’ll be inside in a minute.”

            “Don’t take too long, yeah? I don’t want to have to cover for you,” Sam said pointing to Kelley accusingly, a teasing smile spreading across her face.

            “Well, I wouldn’t want to put you out or anything,” Kelley called after Sam, as her friend entered the house. She shook her head and took out her phone. Kelley had needed the pep talk. She’d been frustrated with herself after failing to make an impact in almost every game this season. It had started back at the beginning of the year and slowly eaten away at her ever since. She hadn’t been able to shake these feelings of loss and frustration that had haunted her since the January camp. No matter what she did, they returned after every game, now settling in as a familiar part of her game. She knew she had to shake them, she just didn’t know how.

            Kelley opened her messenger app and scrolled down to find Hope’s name. It had been a while since they talked, but she forwent the pleasantries as she typed, _Do you think I’m playing like shit?_ She hit send and blew out a breath. As an afterthought she added, _Also, how’s the shoulder?_

            Kelley stood up and headed for the door, not expecting a quick response. Her phone startled her with a buzz before she could put her hand on the door handle. The response made her snort, _Shoulder is fine. Yes, you’re not making an impact. Stop trying to be a forward. Play your game. You’ll be fine._

            _Thanks for the inspiring pep talk_ , Kelley replied after walking back into the party.

            _Anytime. Do your thing Kell. Don’t overthink it,_ Hope replied.

            Kelley nodded to herself and put her phone away. She smiled at her teammates who were playing a drunken game of twister in Christie’s family room. Christie lingered in the kitchen as Kelley got another beer from the fridge.

            “You good kid?” Christie asked nonchalantly.

            “Yep, I’m good, Mom. No need to worry,” Kelley replied, popping the cap off of her beer. “I’ve just been overthinking it.”


	5. Taking Control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kelley is feeling helpless during halftime of the Tournament of Nations game against Brazil. Can she find a way to turn the team and herself around?

            Kelley was fuming as she sat listening to Jill’s less than inspiring speech at halftime. The truth was that they were 0-1 in their own tournament and now tied to Brazil 1-1. This was the second time this year that they were poised to come in less than first in their own tournament. The truth as Kelley saw it was that they were playing like shit. Lazy. Uninspired. Un-American. Just downright shitty soccer.

            When Jill ended her less than rousing speech, Carli took her place. She called for more focus, more heart, more, more, more. Kelley sighed, closed her eyes, and dropped her head in her hands. She missed Hope. She missed the half-time speeches she used to give that riled everyone up and reminded the team of who they were. Of the legacy they lead. Of the magic they possessed. This team could use a shot of hope. But Hope was no longer around to bring it to them.

            Kelley tuned out Carli for a second as her mind wandered to thoughts of Hope. She was more than a teammate. She had been a mentor. A friend. A crush… An almost something more. And then suddenly she was gone. Kelley knew Hope had taken a piece of her when she’d gone. She hadn’t meant to and it wasn’t her fault, but it was gone none the less. Kelley was left a little more hopeless in the wake and had been spinning ever since.

            Lately she’d been feeling more herself. Gaining confidence as she fell back into her comfort zone. But she knew she wasn’t the same and she knew she’d have to keep it together to keep her starting position. Finally, she’d had the chance to earn a starting spot and then her life had fallen out from underneath her. Now she was still picking up the pieces. All these months later. For so long she’d just been pushing her body to go through the motions. Hopelessly. Without Hope. And the kicker was that she knew that Hope had no idea how hard this had been on her. And why would she? How could she know that Hope had been her rock? Had been her inspiration. Had been her constant. Like a constellation. Always in the sky, shining bright, a constant calming presence.

            Kelley knew that she’d grown complacent. Always relying on Hope to be in the box, shouting orders, calming her nerves. And then suddenly she wasn’t. It had send Kelley’s world into a tailspin. Kelley had been a much different player before Hope took her under her wing. She knew it. Hope knew it. And now Kelley was pretty sure the whole world knew it. It was time to figure out who she was without Hope.

            Carli had finished talking and the players were preparing to retaking the field. Suddenly, Kelley stood up and banged three time against the side of her locker, just as Hope had done during so many games. The room was suddenly silent and all eyes had turned toward Kelley. She stood up slowly, gathering the courage to make a speech like she’d seen Hope do what felt like a thousand times. She noted Carli’s smirk and the twinkle in Becky’s eye. She felt their approval and let it fuel her.

            “You guys. What the fuck are we doing?” Kelley addressed the room. It was a familiar phrase, although it felt foreign on her lips. It was a stolen phrase. One that she was claiming, but had belonged to someone with much more influence.

            Kelley swallowed and continued, “We no longer look like the team that we once were, but the truth is that we are that team. We are the best team in the world and right now we aren’t playing like it. We can do this. We are the best of the best. The best of our country. The best of our sport. The best in the world. But for some unknown reason, we haven’t been able to show it. Ladies, we have lost our swagger. We have lost our reputation. It is up to us to get it back.”

            Kelley smiled a small smile as she took in the faces around her. She’d led plenty of cheers in her career, as well as given plenty of speeches. This one was different. She was channeling the most ferocious competitor she’d ever met and it was working. “We can do this,” she continued. “Yes, we are down a game, but that doesn’t mean that we have to lose this tournament. Those fans out there are ours. They are behind us win, lose, or die. They will hold us up and give us courage. All we have to do is give them something to cheer for. We can do this. We can win. I believe in us.”

            “I believe in us,” Becky said, suddenly standing up.

            “Me too,” Carli agreed, standing to meet her co-captain.

            “So do I,” chorused around the locker room as player after player stood up.

            “Good!” Kelley said with a smile. “Bring it in.” The team gathered together in the middle of the locker room around Kelley. Her smile was wide as the team gathered around her for their USA cheer.

***

            “Jesus Christ,” Hope muttered as the time expired on the uninspired first half. They were falling apart. Miraculously it was still tied, but she’d been yelling at the TV for her defenders to move, to see the Brazilian offense, to move the ball better.

            And it was her fault. Or rather hers to take the fault. While Hope knew that she obviously hadn’t made the decision to terminate her contract, she also knew that she hadn’t exactly set up the defense to work without her. Especially with the amount of changes the defense has seen.

            She picked up her phone and willed Kelley to look at it during halftime. She text a quick message, one that Kelley would hopefully understand, _You guys. What the fuck are we doing?_

_***_

            Kelley hugged every teammate who came near her. It was an exciting win, full of frantic energy, full of promise. The game never should have been that close, but it didn’t matter. They’d overcome, they’d comeback to win, they’d persevered. It was exactly what they’d needed. Exactly what she’d needed.

            “Hell of a game Kell,” Becky told her as she pulled out of their hug. “You showed a lot of heart today. And nice speech by the way. It made a lot of people take notice. Watch out or you’ll end up a captain.”

            “Ha!” Kelley laughed. “I’m pretty sure no one wants to see that. I’m good being a loud sidekick.”

            “Don’t sell yourself short,” Becky said over her shoulder as she walked away.

            “Hm,” Kelley muttered in thought as she looked at her teammates celebrating the win. Throughout her career, Kelley had just rolled with the punches, excited to be there, but not exactly striving for more. As she looked around the stadium, still full of excited fans and teammates, she wondered if it was time to think about what she wanted, time to take control of her own career. She wasn’t sure how far she could go, but for the first time in a long time, she wanted to find out.


End file.
